So I went to my small group for the first time last night and I absolutely love it! It’s been something I’ve been needing for years and it’s definitely an answered prayer. And just hearing everyone talk about things they’re going through just reaffirmed that I needed to be there. Some of us are going through different stuff but there are some girls who are going through the same thing as me and it was so encouraging to me. It’s like you can see the dots connect you know?
We’re going through ‘So Long Insecurity’ by Beth Moore and I’m pretty excited about it. I’m pretty sure insecure is written across my forehead in capital letters. It’s definitely something I need to read. Just in the introduction it said ” we’re going to have to let truth scream louder to our souls than the lies that have infected us.” That by itself let me know that I need to read this book.
But just when I feel like everything is starting to look bright, there’s still a dark cloud looming over my head.
So I know that I’ve talked about my struggles with finding a job on here over and over again. My mom has been helping me out greatly and now her job is up in the air. She’s worked at the same place for almost 39 years. She’s worked at the same place since her and my dad moved to Kentucky after they graduated from college. Like that sucks so much, she’s never had to look for a new job.
With that looming around, if she loses her job before I find one that means I’ll have to move home. Some people don’t think that’s such a bad thing but I HATE being home. I don’t like going home and my mom and I are in such a better place in our relationship b/c we’re not around each other all the time. I feel like going home would be 500 steps in the wrong direction. I’m paying for her control issues now and the minute I think I’m starting to go in the right direction with a lot of things, I get this news.
I’m starting this small group, I’m in counseling, I just applied for grad school, I’m possibly going to be discipling a girl, I’m so close to getting my license (her control issues when I was younger are the reason I don’t have my license now) and I’m making progress with my weight loss. If I have to go home, I’m going to lose all of that.
I just hate that this is coming up just when things are going well. One huge reason I am having a hard time job hunting is because I don’t have my license and our bus doesn’t run like a normal city bus. It doesn’t go a lot of places and it doesn’t as often as most. My mom refused to teach me how to drive when I was younger and turned down everyone who offered and before you knew it I was in college. I still think that it’s a control thing b/c after your son goes to prison and your husband dies, you have one thing you can keep control of. That would be me. Even when I would come home for the summer she wouldn’t teach me and when I eventually asked some other people it didn’t last long.
(This is embarrassing and I don’t know why I’m talking about this.)
My permit expired and I finally came to terms that she wouldn’t ever help me so I moved my permanent address here and got my permit again. There’s no driving school here and I’ve had a few people help me and then stop. I finally am consistently driving with someone and I’m so close to it finally and boom I might have to go home. My mother still refuses to help me drive, which is another reason going home will be bad.
We talked about it Friday which turned into an argument and it was clear that going home would just be bad. Now I’ve been helping her look for other positions because she’s been wanting to look for a different job even before the possibility of her being let go was an issue. She just doesn’t like it. It’s weird but if she moved to BG I don’t think I would mind living with her because I still can still do the stuff I’m doing now and I can move elsewhere after I find something. Yeah I don’t necessarily want to live under the same roof as here but I think if I was still here I wouldn’t mind it as much. I’m just hoping I get something I’ve applied for so if she does lose her job I can support myself finally.
The timing is just crazy. Just when I had got to this place spiritually where I was going to just trust God with things, I get tested big time. Yes I’m still freaked out but I can tell my attitude about it is different. I don’t know. I just took this post to a place I didn’t plan on taking it.
Okay I’m done but I would love some prayer.